Long time

It has been a long time since I have written and I have missed it! Nate is on his first hunting trip since I have known him and it is 8 o'clock and i'm already in bed! HA! I'm a party animal!
I always want this blog to be about the reality of a "normal life" and so once again I am just going to "get real! "
I am having a hard time finding balance in my life! I know and believe that my priorities should be God, Nate, Noah and then friends...but this has not been the case! I feel like it's Noah, Noah, then a lil Nate and a lil God and no friends!
Over the last 3 years, while I was working at New Life Women's Center, my relationship with God grew so much...we had an hour of prayer every morning, I taught Bible studies all day, lead worship once a week; I was immersed in His word and His presence! Now I find it hard to even pray for 10 minutes without being intterupted !! Instead of listening to worship music, it's Blue's Clues and Baby Einstein music all day! I have been reading the same book for 3 months, much less finding the time to do a Bible study! I feel like I am going crazy!! AHHH!
Then, after taking care of Noah all day, I am so exhausted at night that I feel like I have nothing left to give to Nate! Running this photography business takes up all my spare time (when Noah's sleeping) during the day and I feel like all I ever talk to Nate about is the business and his new job which has been all consuming(NOT complaining, just stating the facts) and then my brain is mush!

I spend alot of time with my parents but as far as friends are concerned or a social life it's pretty much non-existent and I struggle with, is it fair for me to leave Noah to have girl time, is it selfish for me to want to leave Noah with Nate so I can go do something I want without them?!
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being a Mom and I love staying at home with him and I am so proud of Nate and our business and so thankful for all the business we've been doing I just need to find some balance!
I find myself being the person that I used to be; the person I have worked so hard to not be! Getting angry really easily and allowing it to fester instead of getting rid of it quickly and being quick to forgive! Being extremely controlling and having to always be right! I hate those things about myself!
But like everything else is life worth anything, you have to work at killing the flesh and being more Christlike and when all I do is take care of everybody else, and neglect my relationship God, then slowly but surely, the flesh creeps back in!

I want to be a good mom and I have waited so long to have Noah and he is such a blessing to me but am I really doing the right thing by him if I don't take care of myself and my relationships!??!!
Sooooo...I am already thinking about New Years Resolutions and I am going to find some balance in my life for 2011! I need more JESUS for sure! I miss the times I had with Him, He truly is my best friend, who is ever faithful no matter how much I neglect Him! He never leaves me or forsakes me! Thank you Jesus!

Nate is a wonderful man...not perfect, but wonderful! He deserves to have more of my heart instead of the leftovers! I know that the best thing I can do for Noah is to show him what a healthy marriage looks like...not just tell him, but live it out!
I miss my friends so much! I am going to get a social life again! Woo Hoo! I don't know how but I am going to make it a priority to get away without the boys and share my life with other women!
I also really miss singing, so starting in 2011 I am going to join the choir! Yes, it's a commitment of time and once again, i don't know how i'm going to make it all work, but if it's meant to be, God will make a way!
I know not everyone appreciates me airing my dirty laundry but i think it's important that people know that the facade of a perfect family, doesn't exist...Life is hard and messy and not always fun, but God is so good, and always pulls you through the hard times and the laughter in between makes it all bearable! Do Nate and I fight...sure we do...are there days that it all seems too overwhelming and I just want to give up...yep...do we make mistakes and hurt each other on a daily basis...probably...BUT do we truly love each other...absolutely...do I have joy in my heart...yes...am I blessed...abundantly!!!

This Christmas season, I am making a commitment to focus my heart where it should have been for a while now...not on the things that aren't right, not on the people that don't act right, not on the past, but on being thankful for all the blessings in my life, forgiving those that have hurt me, being the best me I can be for my family!
I just want to love on God, Nate and Noah and some girl friends that have been really neglected!
So thankful for all the people in my life, even the ones that stretch me and help me learn how to be the person God wants me to be! If God is for me, who can be against me! Amen!
I feel better already...it's amazing how writing it all out brings so much clarity perspective...even if only for me! Thanks for reading!